Some thoughts on mothering...

**I started writing this post on Mother's Day, and am just now finishing it, but I still really wanted to share it.**

I have had a wonderful Mother's Day today.  Not because I had breakfast in bed (because I didn't), or because I had the day off to relax and do nothing (because I didn't), or because I got flowers (because, again, I didn't), but because I mothered, and I enjoyed it.  Loved it, actually.  I always love being a mother, but in all honesty, sometimes it's hard to find joy in the everyday ins and outs of mothering, but today I felt it.  A lot.  And it made me happy.

I read books, got on the floor and played with and tickled my boys, I talked to my boys, I hugged and kissed them, and sang with them, and laughed with them.  It wasn't a perfect day behavior-wise, but I didn't mind, because these boys I have are amazing, they're mine, I love them, and guess what?  They love me!!!!  They really do, and today I felt it.

Lately, I've been feeling inadequate as a mother.  Shocking, I know.  I am pretty sure that every single mother in the world feels this way at one point or another.  Well, lately, I've been feeling it all. of. the. time.  Like, every single day I feel bad about myself.  The other day I saw my friend on the subway when I was out by myself for a couple hours, and I said something like: "I feel like I am never doing enough as a mother.  Am I just going to feel like this forever?"  I can't really remember what she said in response, but I remember that it gave me the impression that she didn't feel this way all of the time, which instead of making me feel jealous, made me feel hopeful, and made me think about what I could do to not feel this way.

One of the things that I think about a lot in regards to my children, is what I do with them every day.  The activities we do, or rather don't do, especially when we are at home.  I beat myself up so much about not home-schooling them, or not doing lots of crafts or creative activities with them, when in reality, none of those things really appeal to me, and when I do them with my kids, it's not usually fun for any of us.  They last about 5 minutes with a craft and while home-schooling sounds so great in theory, when it comes down to it, it actually just sounds really horrible.

I think part of it is that I feel like if I'm not busy busy busy, all day long, then it means I'm not doing a good job as a mom.  But I am starting to realize that that is just not true at all.  That it's often in those calm moments, that we experience the most joy and fulfillment with our children.  I tried it out a little bit this last week, where I tried to "just be" as a mom... snuggling and talking with my kids more,  listening to music with them, saying "yes" to reading a book with them more often, giving them {real} hugs when they ask for them, pausing to give them a kiss and say "I love you"... they're all really natural and simple things.  I'm not forcing it, I'm really just following my kids' leads, doing the kinds of things that they want to do.  And you know what I realized?  Pretty much all they want to do is be near me.  Sometimes they want me to do something with or for them, but a lot of times they just want to sit next to me or be in the same room with me.  It's a simple thing, but it clearly means a lot to them.  I have found that Sayer becomes quickly agitated and upset when I don't answer him right away, or do the thing that he has asked me to do 5 times already, because he has learned that that is what he has to do, to get me to do the thing he has asked me to do.  Often because I'm distracted doing something unimportant.  They just need attention and acknowledgment, and not even constantly, if we give it to them consistently.  This week, while I was trying to "just be", Sayer was so much more calm and happy, because he felt loved.  We did fun things spontaneously, because I wanted to do them.  And you know what?  It was fun!  For both of us!  Then it clicked (after only 5 and a half years of being a mom)... that the things I do a lot of with my kids, should be things that we enjoy! (duh)  It doesn't have to be what everyone else is doing.  It doesn't have to be crafts (thank goodness--I think I genuinely used to enjoy crafts, but living in NYC has changed that. It's because of the domino-effect that happens whenever we have to get to something that is tucked away in a cupboard or drawer... you move one thing and it makes everything else fall... this is what happens with my craft supplies)!  It doesn't have to take a lot of preparation or require a lot of supplies.  For me and my kids, it means saying "yes" more to the things they ask to do with me, like pouring and stirring ingredients into a bowl, even if it means that it will take a little bit longer, and require a little bit more clean up.  I know it sounds simple and silly, but I can't tell you how much peace I felt when I finally had this realization... that we each, as mothers, need to find the things that we are good at, that we enjoy doing, and that they enjoy doing, and do those things with our kids.

I read a really wonderful talk by Patricia Holland on Sunday (Mother's Day), that I gained a lot of insight from.  It basically talks about finding our "inner divinity", or what makes us individuals and unique and special in God's eyes, and moving forward with that, instead of getting down on ourselves for the things that we are maybe not as good at, or don't enjoy.  She gives a series of steps to implement in our lives to reach that "inner stillness", where we can feel confident in ourselves, and as a result of that, be able to be genuinely happy when other women accomplish things in areas where maybe we haven't.  There was really so much to it that I couldn't possibly do it justice, but it was a great article and I highly recommend it.  I have continued to think about it a lot during these 2 weeks since I have read it.

I love being a mother, and am so, SO grateful for the many ways that it has pushed me and made me take good, hard looks at myself, and has basically forced me to learn and grow.  Our children are such blessings in mine and Nate's lives and I feel incredibly blessed to be intrusted with them.  It really is such a gift that I often take for granted, which is something I am working on improving everyday. 

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day and were able to cherish your little loves.