It's been a rough couple of weeks with our little Asher. IT has finally happened... he has learned how to climb in and out of his crib. The OUT of the crib is the part that's been a real downer. I realize that I should be extremely grateful that he has lasted this long. He has always been such a great sleeper, and just never questioned that when I put him in his crib, he was supposed to stay there. But, since that dreadful day, I have been getting extremely anxious around bedtimes. I now understand why so many parents put it off, especially when kids are playing so nicely, because it is so exhausting to fight them into bed, and then keep putting them back in time and time again. I am not proud of my parenting over the past few days. It seems that nothing works to keep him in his bed except getting angry, and I HATE being that kind of mom. I hate thinking that I finally got him to be quiet and stay in bed because I scared him or made him sad. Last night was the worst. After so many nights of this "game" that is getting SOOO old, and after a very busy day yesterday, during which Asher decided he didn't need a nap, so he was a MONSTER, I just couldn't take it any more. It was really scary to ME to feel how angry and frustrated I was. I am really grateful that I have the ability to recognize when I am not in control, even in the moment, and that I am able to slow down and ultimately stop myself from doing anything that would hurt my child. The more I think about it, I really feel that anger is most often, not the answer. I believe that it is affective and even appropriate occasionally, but for this, I just don't think it is right... it doesn't feel right. So today, I went and bought a lock for the outside of his door. That's right people, I am going to lock my child in his room and let him cry it out. No more going in to sing another song, or get him water, or milk, or water in a different cup, or read a book, or any other excuses that he will pull out for hours if we let him. It's not going to be pretty, but I know my child, and I know that it will be effective, and that it will only last a couple of nights. But the most important thing to me, is that my child gets the sleep he needs, and that has not been happening. The other part to the solution is a big boy bed. I put in a request to have maintenance bring a twin bed up here, and today, I let Asher pick out some Thomas the Train sheets from Target, which he hugged to his chest all throughout the store, while saying "take to our house now?" Which leads me to the point of this post... (geez, I am so long winded... sorry)
Today I put Sayer down for a nap at 9:00 am, and took the monitor to my neighbors so she could babysit him, then Asher and I headed to Target to get sheets and a lock for the door. On the way home, I was carrying Asher and the stroller up 3 flights of stairs, with his beloved blanky over my shoulder. Unbeknownst to me, the blanky slipped off on the stairs, and I didn't realize until we were on the train and the doors had closed. I wanted to cry. As the train started to move, I started thinking about everything we were going through with Asher and his sleeping, and the thought of him not having his blanky in the midst of it all, made me want to cry even more. I thought of all my options, thinking I could order him a new one, or I could go back and get it, but someone probably would have picked it up and taken it... this is New York after all. But as the train stopped at the next station, I made an impulse decision and got off the train. I was thinking how I couldn't believe that I was going all the way back there to get his blanket. It wouldn't be such a big deal, except that I had Asher in his stroller, and it meant that I had to carry him down 3 flights of stairs, cross the street, then go up another 3 flights of stairs to get to the North bound train to go back up to the 225th stop. Then I had to go down 3 flights of stairs, cross the street, and go up another 3 flights of stairs to get to where I dropped the blanket, and get back on the south bound train. After I had already gone down and up the first 2 sets of stairs, I was feeling close to tears... silly I know, but I was. While we were on the train, I explained to Asher that mommy dropped his blanky and that we had to go back and get it. He just kept saying "I sorry mommy" over and over. Such a sweetheart. As I was getting off the train at 225th, I was praying that Asher's blanket would still be there. I told Heavenly Father how I would feel so much better if someone would offer to help me down these 3 flights of stairs right now, and that if they did, then surely it would be Him telling me that it was ok, and that Asher's blanket would still be there and that this whole 20 minute detour would be worth it. Well, as the last person past me to go down the stairs, I thought, well, that's that, the blanket is not going to be there, I might as well just prepare myself now. But then the last girl stopped before she went down, and asked me if I would like some help. I wanted to cry. I know this all sounds so silly to you all, but I'm sure that everyone has had moments where they are at their wits end, and they just need a little tender mercy, to know that Heavenly Father is aware of them and their problems, no matter how silly they may seem. Well, this was one of those times. As I crossed the street to get to the last set of stairs, I felt confident that the blanket would be there, and it was. Someone had graciously picked it up and draped it over the edge so that people wouldn't trample all over it. I was so happy that I literally did start to cry. It's amazing that the things that are important to us, no matter how small, are also important to Heavenly Father.
So yeah, that's all... I just wanted to share that. However, just once, I would love to have a simple, uneventful trip to Target. Maybe next time! Same with doing the laundry... another story for another time!!