Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today...

Today I want to give up.
Today I want to cry.
Today it seems like nothing I do or say to my kids ever makes any difference. 
Today I sound like my mom... I find myself saying the exact same phrases, using the exact same tone that she did when we were kids. 
Today I wish we didn't live in NYC, but anywhere else in the world where we could have a backyard and a room away from me where they can play and fight all they want, and I don't have to hear any of it.

The sad thing is, this has pretty much been my life everyday for a while now.  My kids have decided that they would now like to begin their days at 5:30 am.  5:30 AM!!!!!!!  That is with their window completely blacked out with cardboard and foil.  And I can't just make them stay in there because Bart is still asleep and they apparently don't understand what the words "be quiet so you don't wake up Bart" mean.  It is absolutely ridiculous.  Especially when they are both still so tired and all they do is whine and cry and fight until it's 7:00am, which is the designated TV time.  Some days are better than others, and they will sit quietly and read or play with their toys.  But many many days, it is only 9:30 am and I done. 

But then, it's usually time to head outside, and things usually go up from there.  So that's something, right?

It makes me sad, because I love being a mom, and I love my kids so much, and I truly love it here, but man, life right now is hard.  Pretty much everyday I find myself thinking "I have absolutely no idea what I am doing." and "I don't think I can do this anymore."  I am just hoping and praying that I don't completely screw my kids up from yelling at them or grabbing their arms a little more firmly than I probably should be.

And just so I don't end this post on a completely horrible note....

I am grateful that the bad is broken up with amazing bits of good and pure joy.
I am grateful that I don't have to do it alone.  I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends who are a daily support and example for me, and a loving Heavenly Father who is just waiting for me, all day, every day, to reach out and ask for help.  And when I do, it's usually still really hard, but I feel His love, and it helps. 
I am grateful for running, because I get to be by myself... among other things :)
I am grateful that my kids go to bed at 6:00 pm.

Sometime in the next couple days I'll do a post about how amazing my kids are to make myself feel better. ;)





13 comments:

Hailey said...

You are not alone. We are all experiencing the same feelings to some degree, although you really need some sort of medal for 5:30 AM, to go with your 3 boys medal. You're amazing, and you can do it!

Schmath said...

Yikes! That is way too early! I would die. Do they go to bed at 6 because they wake up at 5:30 or do they wake up at 5:30 because they go to bed at 6?

Julia Wade said...

I'm with Hailey ... you deserve a medal, not just because of the 5:30am wake up time, but being a mom of 3 in beautiful NYC. I've seen it first hand (just a bit) but truly you are an incredible momma. Don't beat yourself up for what you're feeling. Truly.

B said...

We ALL have those days sweetie!!! If there is a mom out there who says she doesn't, she's LYING! Hang in there, like you said, you'll feel better later, being a parent is hard, and I'm like you, I wonder how much I'm going to mess up my kids, but I figure, I turned out fine, and my mom had days like this too, they are quick to forgive and forget, and I know you, you are an AWESOME mom, so keep up the good work, those boys are lucky to have you <3

Becky

Kristin said...

I've been going through the same thing lately! Maybe it's the summer? I opened up to Ryan about it the other day and I think I scared him! But hearing that amazing moms like you also have feelings like this makes me feel better, that this has got to be normal. Hang in there! Get a sitter for a bit, and get out!

Jenny said...

is it bad that it makes me feel a little bit good to hear you say all this? it's like when you see other kids having meltdowns in the store and you think, "oh good, i'm not the only one." this is sounding bad ... my point is, thanks for sharing the bad with the good. you are a saint for enduring the early mornings and busy, cramped days. plus, your gorgeous.

Morgan said...

thank you all you beautiful moms for the encouragement and nice words. i feel better already! :) and schmath, Asher is really the only one that goes to bed at 6, because he wakes up at 5:30. he wakes up at that time no matter what time he goes to bed. sayer usually still naps, so he is more like 7 (and he is a totally different kid when asher is not around) and bart is anywhere between 6 and 7. but bart usually wakes up around 6:30 or 7 unless the boys wake him up.

DaNae said...

I totally felt like this yesterday. I basically locked myself in my room and cried. So it's totally normal. Motherhood has ebbs and flows like everything else. You are doing are fab job with your boys. And I want to live in NYC sooooo bad!

Michal Thompson said...

Wow, Dylan has always gotten up that early too. Sorry, I let him turn on the TV because he too doesn't know how to be quiet. I have him turn it off when I get up. It will bet better when summer ends, at least I hope. you are doing a great job, don't doubt yourself.

Lauren said...

Sometimes I think I can't do it, and I'm only the mother of 1... I am constantly in awe of mothers of multiples - certainly you are deserving of many blessings (large or small) and lots of kisses and affirmations of love.

I am terrified of mothering toddlers, ps.

Lark said...

Most days lately I feel the same way...it is just so hard sometimes. And you know Hailey! We grew up together in CA...she is loads of fun.

Liz Green said...

I completely understand where your coming from and have days very similar when I just don't want to be living in the city. You are an amazing mother and we are so lucky to have you close by to hang out with. Now lets just hope this heat slows down so we can all be a little more happy.

Lesley said...

Yea, there is a special place in heaven for you, and that's for sure. Just remember that we all know you're amazing! And it's refreshing to know that I'm not the only one who has days where you just feel like throwing in the towel. Let's face it- being a mom is hard!

xo