Today I want to give up.
Today I want to cry.
Today it seems like nothing I do or say to my kids ever makes any difference.
Today I sound like my mom... I find myself saying the exact same phrases, using the exact same tone that she did when we were kids.
Today I wish we didn't live in NYC, but anywhere else in the world where we could have a backyard and a room away from me where they can play and fight all they want, and I don't have to hear any of it.
The sad thing is, this has pretty much been my life everyday for a while now. My kids have decided that they would now like to begin their days at 5:30 am. 5:30 AM!!!!!!! That is with their window completely blacked out with cardboard and foil. And I can't just make them stay in there because Bart is still asleep and they apparently don't understand what the words "be quiet so you don't wake up Bart" mean. It is absolutely ridiculous. Especially when they are both still so tired and all they do is whine and cry and fight until it's 7:00am, which is the designated TV time. Some days are better than others, and they will sit quietly and read or play with their toys. But many many days, it is only 9:30 am and I done.
But then, it's usually time to head outside, and things usually go up from there. So that's something, right?
It makes me sad, because I love being a mom, and I love my kids so much, and I truly love it here, but man, life right now is hard. Pretty much everyday I find myself thinking "I have absolutely no idea what I am doing." and "I don't think I can do this anymore." I am just hoping and praying that I don't completely screw my kids up from yelling at them or grabbing their arms a little more firmly than I probably should be.
And just so I don't end this post on a completely horrible note....
I am grateful that the bad is broken up with amazing bits of good and pure joy.
I am grateful that I don't have to do it alone. I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends who are a daily support and example for me, and a loving Heavenly Father who is just waiting for me, all day, every day, to reach out and ask for help. And when I do, it's usually still really hard, but I feel His love, and it helps.
I am grateful for running, because I get to be by myself... among other things :)
I am grateful that my kids go to bed at 6:00 pm.
Sometime in the next couple days I'll do a post about how amazing my kids are to make myself feel better. ;)